Many people pride themselves on their willingness to be helpful and supportive of others. Indeed this can be a really great, altruistic, personal trait. But, there may be a significant cost to this when it becomes excessive (no limits) and crosses over into persistent people pleasing. For example, constantly putting others’ needs before your own, wanting to make other’s happy at all costs, wanting to be liked, seeking approval, or having a hard time saying no to others. While it’s important to take care of those we love and prioritize their needs, if it goes unchecked, it can cause significant distress. In fact, it can even fuel depression. In this blog post, we’ll explore how people-pleasing can contribute to depression and what you can do to break away from this pattern.
The Cost of People Pleasing
Unrealistic Expectations:
When you seek to always make sure others are happy, you may set unrealistic expectations for yourself. An ideal of trying to be “perfect” for others may drive you to exhaustion as you continuously stive to do things you think they need. You may even have set up a mindset in which you think that you need to be a certain way or others won’t like you or accept you. Indeed, a need for persistent people-pleasing may increase fears of rejection or disapproval, leading to constant worry! Ultimately, it leaves you feeling inadequate – as though you will never be perfect enough, leading to feelings of low self-worth. Feelings of low self-worth is a common experience in depression.
Resentment and Frustration:
Personal needs are often set aside in those who are driven to constantly make others happy. Consistently doing things you don’t actually want to do, leaves you feeling depleted. This may actually leave you feeling resentful and frustrated with others because it may feel as though your needs are never taken into consideration. Eventually, this leads to a relationship in which your self-sacrifice is expected, leaving you feeling as though you are unappreciated. Over time, these feelings build up and cause significant rifts in relationships.
People Pleasing and Lack of Boundaries:
Part of the reason why people pleasing becomes problematic is that you may be ignoring your personal boundaries. For example, you might find yourself agreeing to things you don’t want to do, simply because you don’t want to disappoint others or have a difficult time saying “no”. This leaves you feeling exhausted and burnt out, contributing to feelings of depression.
Difficulty With Self-Care:
When you’re exhausted and burnt-out from making sure everyone else is happy, you have little energy to take care of your own needs. Self-care is neglected. This can take many forms, such as skipping meals, putting aside important tasks, neglecting to exercise, or not getting enough rest. Over time, this can lead to physical and mental health challenges.
Loss of Identity with constant People Pleasing:
Finally, when you are focused on making sure others are happy, you begin to forget about the things that make you happy! You begin to lose the sense of who you are, and it is easy to forget your personal needs and what makes you “tick”. Not only this, but you may even begin to lose sight of your personal values and beliefs (needing to suppress these in order to fulfill the demands placed upon you). This leads to feelings of disconnection from yourself, resulting in feelings of confusion, guilt and shame. This further contributes to depression, making you feel like you’re living for others rather than yourself.
It is no easy task to break away from ingrained people-pleasing habits. But, it is important for your mental health and wellbeing. Begin by recognizing where your boundaries are and then make concerted efforts to set those boundaries with others. This means learning to comfortably and assertively say no when you need to. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs and wants. Making sure you have the capacity for self-care, including setting aside time for taking care of your responsibilities as well as including activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Finally, don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you’re struggling with depression or anxiety as a result of people-pleasing tendencies. A therapist at Headway can provide the support and guidance you need to overcome these challenges begin setting appropriate boundaries.
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