It can be difficult as a parent to draw the boundaries between caring for, supporting and encouraging your teen while still allowing them to grow into an independent adult. Preventing enmeshment between parents and teens is a critical piece to supporting your teens growth. Enmeshment occurs when these lines between parents and teens become blurred and the teenager struggles to develop their own sense of autonomy. Some typical signs of enmeshment include: the teen and parent being best friends; a lack of privacy; the parent confiding in the teen; or the parent being overly involved in the teens activities and/or interests. With these in mind, here are some tips on preventing enmeshment and instead fostering a healthy parent-teen relationship.
Set boundaries and stick to them – don’t overstep into each other’s lives
Establishing clear boundaries is a crucial aspect of any healthy relationship – be it personal or professional. Boundaries help define what is acceptable in a relationship as well as the consequences to be expected when a boundary is compromised. They allow both the parent and the teenager to fulfill their respective roles successfully. For example, when a parent has clear and well-communicated expectations around the kind of behavior that is acceptable within the home, their teen will know what is expected of them and they then have the choice to either respect this boundary or not. For instance, Kevin’s parents had shared their value of respectful language at home. When Kevin was overheard cussing while speaking with friends during an online game, he understood why he received consequences as a result (he didn’t like having a consequence, but he understood it!) Similarly, parents should be open to honoring their teen’s boundaries. Kevin does not like having his picture taken and posted on his mother’s Facebook account. When he communicated this to her, she was able to understand his reluctance being photographed and agreed she would no longer post these on her social media. Bear in mind that renegotiating these boundaries might be necessary as situations change and as teens grow, needing increasingly more and more autonomy. The key lies in an ongoing commitment to communicate as various boundaries shift.
Respect each other’s privacy
In a thriving and healthy parent-teen relationship, appropriate privacy and space are critical to foster both the teen’s individual growth and the parent’s need to pursue their own interests. Establishing what can and can’t be private helps to build mutual trust and understanding. When parents are able to acknowledge and honor their teen’s need for privacy, they nurture a sense of security and trust. Determining what kinds of things can and can’t be private should be driven by what is developmentally appropriate for your teen; physically, socially and emotionally safe for your teen; and based upon the family’s values.
Encourage independence in your children
Helping teens to shift from a parent-dependent relationship to one of independence and autonomy is critical in teen development. It facilitates their ability to, one day, live, make decisions and function on their own. As parents, we can play an influential role in encouraging independence in children who are transitioning into teenagehood. This can come in the form of small but significant acts such as giving responsibility to our teens that facilitate independence, like managing personal finances or making certain decisions.
Be there as a support system, not a dictator – nurture their growth and development
As a parent, your role is to be a solid and unconditional support system – rather than a dictator. Fostering an environment of encouragement, guidance, and collaboration is the key to unlocking your teen’s full potential. Your role is not to impose your views and opinions on them but rather to listen, understand, and offer constructive feedback. Acting as a facilitator for their critical thinking and problem-solving abilities empowers them to develop a sense of self-reliance and adaptability. By nurturing their critical thinking skills, you are providing them with the necessary tools to make important decisions for themselves.
Listen to your teen’s perspectives and opinions, even if you disagree with them
Listening to your teenager’s perspectives and opinions, even if they may differ from your own, conveys that you value their thoughts and feelingsand it fosters a sense of trust and respect between you both. This also facilitates an environment in which your teen feels comfortable to approach you with any problems or concerns they may have. Additionally, when you let your teen express their thoughts and emotions without fear of constant judgment or dismissal, they develop a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence in their ability to make decisions. Remaining curious and open to discussion, allows your teenager to grow emotionally, and ensures that both of you are able to maintain a strong connection.
Spend time together doing activities that are fun for both of you
Building a strong bond with your teenager means that you continue to engage in activities that they enjoy. Engaging in shared activity helps them know that you want to spend time with them and care about their interests. An added benefit is that these experiences will create lasting memories.
It’s okay for parents and teens to be close, but it is important that enmeshment between parents and teens is avoided so that each person also has their own space. With the right balance of boundaries, respect and support from both sides, you can still have an engaged parent-child relationship while supporting their growing need for independence and autonomy. Teens need to feel empowered and respected and that they have a voice.
If you or your teen are struggling with forming these healthy boundaries, please consider seeking professional help from Headway Therapy. Here, you will work together with counselors to improve your parent-teen relationship.
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